Dear Blushing,
A friend from college has asked me to be in her wedding which will take place in the Southeast. I live in Los Angeles now. I am struggling to make ends meet and I am not even sure I can afford to travel to Atlanta for the ceremony. Being in the wedding is not possible for me this year. Help me to tell her without losing my friend?
Thank you,
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn,
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn,If it makes you feel better, I have been where you are, although it was a family member's wedding in which I could not participate. My Brother's wedding was set for four weeks after the due date of my first daughter and my Husband was away for seven months. I could not see a way to fully participate as a bridesmaid and get ready for, deliver, and adjust to the birth of my first child and my Husband's return to our newly expanded family. I spoke frankly about this to my Brother and future Sister-In-Law. They completely understood. At the rehearsal dinner, I was given a gift as if I had been in the wedding, it was such a lovely gesture. Any lingering worries I had about not being in the wedding were gone.
On the other side of the coin, one of my closest friends growing up accepted my request to be in my wedding. We had a long engagement, 18 months. It came down to two weeks past the date to order dresses and her order was not in. I called her and received a voice mail in reply saying that she was possibly going to be on location in Canada then (she is a very successful actress of both stage and screen) and she "would see how it went" as far as being in the wedding. I finalized the dress order, and gave the okay to print the programs counting her out. The week before the wedding she sent me an email saying she would "probably be at the wedding." I told her not to worry about it. For two years afterward I periodically received apologetic calls and emails. I finally told her that I wished she had just said her career was paramount and that she could not commit and should not participate. She said she was afraid to let me down after all these years of friendship. But her foot dragging hurt more than if she had simply told me what was on her mind: We had been friends so long I expected that of her. We survived, but we have never been the same.
It is with some considerate, softened speech and tones that you should tell your friend the absolute truth. She knows where you stand in life right now, and more importantly she cares for you. With luck the flowers and veil will not get in the way of her ability to understand and be fair. Tell her you will do your absolute best to be in the church on the day she is married and only dire financial circumstances will keep you away, but that committing to more is not manageable at this point in your life and that you would never want to let her down late in the process. Tell her you will be there day or night when she needs a friend. Tell her the truth and be ready for some mistiness, she will miss you on that day and all those that lead up to it. Be sure to call often and she will know how sincerely you miss not being there.
On the other side of the coin, one of my closest friends growing up accepted my request to be in my wedding. We had a long engagement, 18 months. It came down to two weeks past the date to order dresses and her order was not in. I called her and received a voice mail in reply saying that she was possibly going to be on location in Canada then (she is a very successful actress of both stage and screen) and she "would see how it went" as far as being in the wedding. I finalized the dress order, and gave the okay to print the programs counting her out. The week before the wedding she sent me an email saying she would "probably be at the wedding." I told her not to worry about it. For two years afterward I periodically received apologetic calls and emails. I finally told her that I wished she had just said her career was paramount and that she could not commit and should not participate. She said she was afraid to let me down after all these years of friendship. But her foot dragging hurt more than if she had simply told me what was on her mind: We had been friends so long I expected that of her. We survived, but we have never been the same.
It is with some considerate, softened speech and tones that you should tell your friend the absolute truth. She knows where you stand in life right now, and more importantly she cares for you. With luck the flowers and veil will not get in the way of her ability to understand and be fair. Tell her you will do your absolute best to be in the church on the day she is married and only dire financial circumstances will keep you away, but that committing to more is not manageable at this point in your life and that you would never want to let her down late in the process. Tell her you will be there day or night when she needs a friend. Tell her the truth and be ready for some mistiness, she will miss you on that day and all those that lead up to it. Be sure to call often and she will know how sincerely you miss not being there.
Warmly,
The Blushing Hostess
Please check back regularly for The Blushing Hostess' continuing advice. Please feel free to contact her with questions of your own at TheBlushingHostess@thelovelist.net. Visit Catherine at her own blog, The Blushing Hostess Entertains.
Photo credits: Liz Banfield for Soiree Charleston.
The Blushing Hostess
Please check back regularly for The Blushing Hostess' continuing advice. Please feel free to contact her with questions of your own at TheBlushingHostess@thelovelist.net. Visit Catherine at her own blog, The Blushing Hostess Entertains.
Photo credits: Liz Banfield for Soiree Charleston.
2 comments:
I love your response to this question.
great advice blushing hostess-the best possible advice one could give. honesty always the best policy.
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